My home is almost NEVER messy I'm extremely type a which means everything has a spot, if it doesn't have a spot we make one and if it doesn't fit it often finds itself in a donation box. There is absolutely NO need to have a "Junk draw," if it's junk it's off to the dump. Organizing, sorting and putting things in a box for a later use is a form of therapy on it's own for me, I absolutely love when someone asks me, "where's the tape?" and I can either grab it for them or point them into the direction where it resides. If the bin is empty it means we are out of tape, or Harper is in the process of making something in which case add tape to the weekly shopping list.
It would be amazing if I could do the same things with my thoughts, feelings and emotions, if it was only so easy to right click to delete or mindlessly throw them into the trash to be taken to the dump. I don't know about you but I don't need anyone in this world to be hard on me or think negatively about me, I am most own worst critic and I seem to talk the most shit about myself. I don't know why my inner voice is so loud and how it happened. I assume it's years and years of allowing others peoples thoughts to build up and I haven't taken out the trash talk. As an empath the last thing I want to do is to ever hurt someone else but sadly that has meant that I have kept quiet and suffered alone. I know that I have so much to offer through what I have learned over the years, my ways might not be for you but they are for me. You might not agree and that's okay, I am slowly learning that we aren't a one size fits all kind of species. I also have to learn not to judge when I disagree with what will work for others knowing that there could be a better way. We will never believe in one way but I can only hope that we can all learn to look past judgement and see the love that we all are. No matter what you believe I hope you remember we all come from the same source of love. A baby is the perfect example of the love that we are all born, it's our life experiences that get in the way. These experiences shape our personality to be who we are and that's when it gets messy. Our personality has experienced so much and it really does want to protect us, our inner essences that it so vulnerable to pain.
Today I received a global email and due to my lack of participation/volunteering I was suddenly flooded with this message that I'm not good enough or worthy of belonging in this group. My inner message was all about how they don't even want you anymore. I felt like absolute shit and then my inner "I'll prove them wrong" kicked in and I started thinking about all the things that I was going to do to prove myself. I STOPPED, took a deep breath and said, "oh sweet Erin (ego) I love you. Thank you for trying to protect me but I'm safe. I made choices not to participate because I have enough going on. I love you Erin, remember we are in this one together." The truth is I have been at war with my ego for a really long and now I understand how to deal with her, that little inner critic that is so quick to judge others and myself. For YEARS I have been trying to push her away and drown out her messages. Her messages include....YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. YOU ARE NOT SMART ENOUGH. YOU ARE NOT PRETTY ENOUGH. YOU NEED TO STAY SMALL. YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED. YOU DO NOT FIT IN. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? YOU DON'T BELONG. YOU ARE NOT LOVEABLE. She's not very nice to me so you can imagine why I have tried so hard to push her down but the harder I pushed the louder she got. As much as I want to silence that inner voice I had to remember that she's also there to help me. She helps me with so many other things, like putting my hand on a hot stove or falling off a cliff, turns out we need each other. So now we walk hand in hand, sometimes she's a little bitch and pushes me down to test what I have learned but we are constantly learning to walk together. She makes me stronger and I remind her that no matter how badly you mess up in the world, she is always loved and always BELONG within me.
Life is messy. It's all messy. The heart. Motherhood. The life. Advocacy.
I thought it was going to be hard being a mother, turns out it's not the little people that are hard to raise, it's me. My girls are actually helping me raise myself, to raise better people I need to be better which means I need to be aware of myself. To become who I want to be I need to embrace the mess (Mother Embracing Soul Searching), my inner mess. I am a mother embracing soul searching to find a deeper meaning to life and what it's all about. Life hands us different circumstances which makes us all unique and different. I'll never know why and I'm not sure we are meant to but for me I have to make sense of things and if it's believing that I need to embrace my mess for my girls to be better and a little less fucked up than I am , well I'm in. At the end of the day I know I'm leaving the world a little better by being a better person by judging less and loving harder.
XXXX
Authentically,
Erin