The M.E.S.S. Behind the Words





I'm 37 years old and one of the hardest thing I do on a daily basis is look in the mirror and by look in the mirror I don't mean using the mirror to pluck my eyebrows, wash my face, apply make up or curl my luscious locks. I mean to look in the mirror, into the eyes that connect me to my soul and seeing who I have become over the course of my life. How can we possibly change if we don't take a minute to see who we have become?


Reprogramming my brain is and will always be the hardest thing for me, it has gotten easier over time. Meditation is literally my daily medicine and I can usually get away with skipping a dose one or two days but anything more than that and my family request that I go to the meditation room. I use to post positive affirmations all over the house, mostly in the bathroom around the mirror thinking I would read them every day but when you are busy trying to comb your own hair and get two little girls ready for the day reading a dozen affirmations didn't happen as magically as I planned. The post it notes usually just got in the way on my cleaning days. Don't get me wrong I love a good affirmation and I use them on the daily in my meditation practice and I encourage every one I love to do the same. In fact if you want a front seat to the pain of my past you just need to sit down on my meditation pillow and read the bright yellow post its surrounding the vision of my future. I'm currently working on the affirmation of taking up space. Last year my therapist gave me this ridiculous exercise where I need to stand up and open up my arms and legs and walk around the room to "take up space." I have never felt more like a fool but she's a smart woman so I do the crazy things she recommends. From not speaking up when something didn't seem right to making sure I never exceeded (insert weight)lbs I stayed small, unseen and unheard. I never wanted to rock the boat, get anyone in trouble and heaven forbid hurt someone feelings yet I would suffer miserable at the expensive of not doing these things. These are the things I'm working on reprogramming, it won't happen overnight but with daily practice I know I will get there.


Success is a weird measurement of self reflection but I can understand why it's quoted. To me success would be measured by continue forward motion and working on my vision of the future. A vision to serve where I can and to do what I can to be a contributing member of society. We all measure success differently, I guess I would also say a part of my success would be to raise two beautiful daughters who believe in themselves as much as we do. Success to me is also taking care of my family while building layers of memories and by memories I don't mean fancy trips and expensive things but the daily acts of living like waking up and making brunch and cuddling while watching our Friday night movie. I learned quickly that life isn't about collecting things that end up being divided up between your children while the remainder of your things end up in the dump, it's harsh but true. I'm a terrible gift giver because of this but I will happily give the most precious gift of all, my time.


What I love the most about my weekly self reflection is the freedom it has given me and the power over my thoughts, I'm far from where I need to be but I'm further than I have ever been. When we start to take control of our thoughts suddenly we create space for new thoughts and all the things we desire. Freedom to be who I was born to be before the experience of life and life circumstances took over. I'm grateful for all the experiences that have shaped me to be me but it's freeing to return to the love I was born as and embrace the freedom that comes with it.


The best part of the journey is it's free and it will open you up to the best version of yourself and you'll fine get out of your own way and be the person you were born to be.


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